Pride is a five-letter word that I know very well. But it's the kind of pride that gets me in trouble. The kind that builds a wall around me and 'protects' me from allowing others hurt me.
The pride that I should be embracing should be helping others, right? Like - my gay pride. Like having the belief that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way that I was born and I will wear my rainbow colors well!
This hasn't always been something that was easy for me. I realized I was gay a lot later in life and I believe it had everything to do with the bubble I was raised in. As a Youth Minister and a Choir Director at a Catholic Church, homophobia was at its best and embracing anyone who was different from the cookie cutter shape of the ever so prestigious Catholic was a rarity.
And then I stopped being in denial and started embracing my desire to be with another woman. I went out to clubs and bars and I started to talk about it. As hard as it was and as scared as I was, I slowly brought it up in conversation with friends... and then I came out to my family. Oddly enough, I was embraced by everyone. I was scared and worried that once the "secret was out" i would be ostracized and alone. But that didn't happen!!
Now, I won't say that there aren't moments of judgement or disapproval. I won't say that it was easy for me to get here or that I didn't ever struggle with feeling ashamed of who I am or scared of what people might think. I struggled. And it is still a process.
But here is the most important thing: There is nothing wrong with who I am. And as soon as I started to believe that, the rest of my world fell right into place. And now I REALLY feel better. Now I can have those tough conversations, or show affection in public to the one I love or wear something that represents my support for ANYTHING and ANYONE and not be embarrassed . Finally.
And I feel damn good about it.
Because I can be a voice. Because hopefully I can help someone with my story. And because I can make a difference... and I will do everything I can to do that... even the little things:
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Celebrating one month in the Garden State
The update so far....
1. There are no toilet seat covers... anywhere... I'm not quite sure if they even know what toilet seat covers are.
2. The A, B and C food gradings are non existent and I miss them. It helps when you're paying $40 for your meal and are SURE that there are no rat feces or cockroach eggs in your food.
3. When it rains, it's still hot - sooooo you'd LIKE to cover up with a jacket so you don't get drenched but that's just not an option unless you want to feel like you're in a sauna. Ewe.
4. I'll never tease anybody about their accent again cuuuz... they don't have one: I do.
5. Driving here is next to impossible. They are not freeways, they're highways. And there are about 30 of them so - good luck. And exits? They are called turnabouts and look like four leaf clovers on a map. Pretty, but reeaaallyy confusing.
6. The "NJ Transit" should ACTUALLY be called "NJ to NY Transit" as it is completely inefficient to those who want to get around IN New Jersey. Better yet, nobody knows how to use it.
7. You can eat/drink on the buses and drink alcohol on the train. ALLELUIA!! Somebody gets it!!
8. Do not be alarmed when you see a rabbit, a squirrel or a deer walking alongside you. They are amongst us and this is *really* their world, not ours.
On some more great notes: Maryland for Thanksgiving, Virginia for Matt Walsh time, and plans for Boston, DC and Philly before the end of the year. YEAAAAHHH TRAVELS!! I'm loving this coast and can't WAIT to experience real seasons! Whaaaatt?? SNOOWW? And it's not all manmade?? I'm gonna need some layers, coats and rain boots. Cheers to shopping!!
All in all, my experience here has been quite pleasant. Transitioning with a familiar culture (That of The Container Store) has maintained my sanity and given me a sense of peace that I would not have found otherwise. The room where I sleep is cozy and coming together slowly. The house I live in is warm, cozy and well equipped with more than I need, including a fantastic roommate.
And here I go on to month two!
1. There are no toilet seat covers... anywhere... I'm not quite sure if they even know what toilet seat covers are.
2. The A, B and C food gradings are non existent and I miss them. It helps when you're paying $40 for your meal and are SURE that there are no rat feces or cockroach eggs in your food.
3. When it rains, it's still hot - sooooo you'd LIKE to cover up with a jacket so you don't get drenched but that's just not an option unless you want to feel like you're in a sauna. Ewe.
4. I'll never tease anybody about their accent again cuuuz... they don't have one: I do.
5. Driving here is next to impossible. They are not freeways, they're highways. And there are about 30 of them so - good luck. And exits? They are called turnabouts and look like four leaf clovers on a map. Pretty, but reeaaallyy confusing.
6. The "NJ Transit" should ACTUALLY be called "NJ to NY Transit" as it is completely inefficient to those who want to get around IN New Jersey. Better yet, nobody knows how to use it.
7. You can eat/drink on the buses and drink alcohol on the train. ALLELUIA!! Somebody gets it!!
8. Do not be alarmed when you see a rabbit, a squirrel or a deer walking alongside you. They are amongst us and this is *really* their world, not ours.
On some more great notes: Maryland for Thanksgiving, Virginia for Matt Walsh time, and plans for Boston, DC and Philly before the end of the year. YEAAAAHHH TRAVELS!! I'm loving this coast and can't WAIT to experience real seasons! Whaaaatt?? SNOOWW? And it's not all manmade?? I'm gonna need some layers, coats and rain boots. Cheers to shopping!!
All in all, my experience here has been quite pleasant. Transitioning with a familiar culture (That of The Container Store) has maintained my sanity and given me a sense of peace that I would not have found otherwise. The room where I sleep is cozy and coming together slowly. The house I live in is warm, cozy and well equipped with more than I need, including a fantastic roommate.
And here I go on to month two!
Friday, September 3, 2010
What It Means To Me
One Suitcase
Another chance at a new life. Or an extension of someone's undying love for the other? Maybe it's desperation or fear of change. A long time ago, I watched Feast Of Love. There was a lot of love, a lot of betrayal and a lot of forgiveness. I noticed that when relationships were coming to an end, someone was only packing just one bag. I know, who wants to sit there and pack every little thing they own?? It doesn't quite make for a dramatic exit, does it? But really - if you truly never wanted to see that person again, as is said in most rages, wouldn't you pack more than one little bag??
I think that we live for people's love. That sort of acceptance that makes us feel like regardless of what is going on in the world around us, there is at least one person that gets our soul. Someone that reaches in and touches that part of us that we protect so much and then are appalled (or intrigued and even relieved) when anyone can get to it. They see through our lies, our fears and our barriers. They break down our solid walls and expand our comfort zones. They challenge us, they support us and they relentlessly love us despite our defenses. They fit in the odd-shaped hole that makes us feel like we are... complete.
One Suitcase = Another Chance
Relationships are going to have their battles. People are going to make mistakes and they are going to hurt one another. There are going to be broken hearts, rattled worlds and moments of regret and resentment. Depending on how badly those two people *want* to make it work... that love story will have a happy ending. And maybe it's not that simple. Maybe it takes more than, "Working hard at it." But if that's all that it is and it's not working, then it's because someone simply just doesn't want to anymore. Either way, it baffles me how much we are willing to compromise ourselves for love. To feel it, to have it and to give it away incessantly.
Another chance at a new life. Or an extension of someone's undying love for the other? Maybe it's desperation or fear of change. A long time ago, I watched Feast Of Love. There was a lot of love, a lot of betrayal and a lot of forgiveness. I noticed that when relationships were coming to an end, someone was only packing just one bag. I know, who wants to sit there and pack every little thing they own?? It doesn't quite make for a dramatic exit, does it? But really - if you truly never wanted to see that person again, as is said in most rages, wouldn't you pack more than one little bag??
I think that we live for people's love. That sort of acceptance that makes us feel like regardless of what is going on in the world around us, there is at least one person that gets our soul. Someone that reaches in and touches that part of us that we protect so much and then are appalled (or intrigued and even relieved) when anyone can get to it. They see through our lies, our fears and our barriers. They break down our solid walls and expand our comfort zones. They challenge us, they support us and they relentlessly love us despite our defenses. They fit in the odd-shaped hole that makes us feel like we are... complete.
One Suitcase = Another Chance
Relationships are going to have their battles. People are going to make mistakes and they are going to hurt one another. There are going to be broken hearts, rattled worlds and moments of regret and resentment. Depending on how badly those two people *want* to make it work... that love story will have a happy ending. And maybe it's not that simple. Maybe it takes more than, "Working hard at it." But if that's all that it is and it's not working, then it's because someone simply just doesn't want to anymore. Either way, it baffles me how much we are willing to compromise ourselves for love. To feel it, to have it and to give it away incessantly.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
It's not hard...
"It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are." Roy Disney
I am constantly losing myself in the love I have for other people. Maybe it's also that I see how much they are in need of not only love but acceptance from other people. I drain myself of everything I have to show that it is important to find the good in people and look past the times when they are not at their best. Most people live with so much guilt and self hatred for the mistakes they make, rather than learning from them and focusing their energy on looking past it all. Understanding that it takes a lot of courage to do so, I feel the need to help with the process and maybe show others the reasons behind their actions that might not be known to them at the time.
So I am at a loss for where to draw the line. Love, friendship, family - all those things require a lot of hard work and attention. There are moments of frustration and resentment. There are times when it feels like there is no hope and no future and there will be no end to the pain. But when you finally find a place of peace and forgiveness, a place of understanding and compassion - the rest of the things in life fall into such a state of peace.
I am constantly losing myself in the love I have for other people. Maybe it's also that I see how much they are in need of not only love but acceptance from other people. I drain myself of everything I have to show that it is important to find the good in people and look past the times when they are not at their best. Most people live with so much guilt and self hatred for the mistakes they make, rather than learning from them and focusing their energy on looking past it all. Understanding that it takes a lot of courage to do so, I feel the need to help with the process and maybe show others the reasons behind their actions that might not be known to them at the time.
So I am at a loss for where to draw the line. Love, friendship, family - all those things require a lot of hard work and attention. There are moments of frustration and resentment. There are times when it feels like there is no hope and no future and there will be no end to the pain. But when you finally find a place of peace and forgiveness, a place of understanding and compassion - the rest of the things in life fall into such a state of peace.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Is there a balloon in my tummy?
Yesterday was the first day I could figure out how to describe that feeling. I always felt that anxiety was a feeling of uneasiness. A way you felt because you weren't sure what was going to happen next. When you're learning how to ride a bicycle without the training wheels for the first time... and your dad lets go of the seat for the first time. I couldn't figure out what was happening to my physically, though. The moments I can't breathe, the moments I feel like I'm going to throw up... What's happening to me? Is there a balloon in my tummy??
It explains how bloated I feel - how I can't eat - how my breaths are shorter... it's like this inflated, delicate, ball in there that's sensitive to pop. So you don't want it to - and you have to be very careful - but maybe it will and it'll hurt so you're trying your hardest not to pop it. But maybe if it pops, you'll feel a thousand times better. I'm convinced there's a balloon in my tummy.
It explains how bloated I feel - how I can't eat - how my breaths are shorter... it's like this inflated, delicate, ball in there that's sensitive to pop. So you don't want it to - and you have to be very careful - but maybe it will and it'll hurt so you're trying your hardest not to pop it. But maybe if it pops, you'll feel a thousand times better. I'm convinced there's a balloon in my tummy.
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